Let's go!
Today is Saturday the 16th of September which means that next Friday I am moving into my university accommodation at Aberystwyth University.
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| This is a photo from the Aber Uni website showing the coast and pier |
I think it's safe to say that I am petrified about what this means for me, both in terms of my education and my mental health.
When I moved schools for Sixth Form, I struggled both socially and academically. I struggled to keep up with the work and very quickly lost all motivation to do anything that would help me to improve my grades. I started to isolate myself from people actively so that I didn't get disappointed when 'friends' let me down. Sadly, this is a habit (or coping mechanism) that I have developed perfectly now, so it ruins all of the friendships I have ever had.
On Twitter, for example, I am part of a group chat called '#EDWARTLIVES', full of people who I would consider my friends, and I'm hoping they would vice versa. Whenever something I think is interesting happens, I have to let them know. But there are times when I feel that I should just leave and stop bothering them because who needs me, right? What am I adding to the conversation? Nothing.
And then I stop. I keep to myself.
My anxieties are taking over my life and I'm finding it increasingly harder to make myself get out of bed everyday to do important things I know I need to do, such as packing or going to work.
Some mornings I wake up crying, still suffering through the tail-end of a nightmare (or three), and wondering what I'm going to do with myself when I am alone and completely independent.
There are times when I struggle immensely with being excited about anything, even when I know I should be more excited than ever. For example, with every announcement for the Sherlocked Convention, I feel a slight amount of "ooh that person could be nice" but then that fades and I am once again questioning why I spent over £600 on something that I am not going to enjoy. Why? Because I have no friends, no one will want to meet me or spend any time with me, and all the guests I have met before have never liked me anyway.
Right?
See, nothing truly makes sense in my head.
The thing is, I really struggle to make and maintain a friendship. People invite me out, I agree, and then I back out last minute because the thought of leaving my house genuinely terrifies me. I don't think this is helped by the fact that, when I want to save money and refuse an invitation, people call me a child when I don't want to go out.
I already know that this will cripple me socially at university, and I don't expect anything else to happen. I'll just be that annoying person, always locked away in their room because they can't force themselves to study for the endless amount of work a joint degree places in front of them.
Exciting, yes.
I don't have a job, I don't have financial security, and I don't have a bursary to fall back on (as of yet- this might change slightly). I have applied to 20 plus jobs and all of them have rejected me. So now I don't really know what to do with myself.
As my mum keeps reminding me, everyone has these concerns about university. I am sure they do.
All I can say now, a week before I leave my home, is that I am scared for the future and what it may or may not bring. I can only hope that I have made the right degree choice and that I will be happier in Wales than I am currently in England.
I hope you're all safe and happy.
I'll let you know about how moving went and my Freshers' Week at some point in the next month. Until then, stay safe.
xx
(the title is one of my favourite songs by Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons)
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