What am I?

Before you read this post, please understand that it is very personal to me and may not make any sense to you (especially the gory bits that will sound a bit psychotic), but this is how I am learning to deal with the way I feel. By writing about it.

I am also currently drinking wine, which I don't even like, because I had a rough shift at work and am a fully stable, competent adult; which is exactly what this blog post will show you I'm sure.


What am I?

This is a question I ask myself several times a day, every day of the year. Why? Because I don't have a clue who I am and sometimes the weight of that on my mind becomes too much and it completely changes who I am.

I try not to let it bother me (because who needs labels, right?) but there are still days where I find myself crying for an unexplained reason, or fantasising myself cutting my own breasts off with a knife. This last one has happened more and more frequently over the past few months. I refuse to force myself to wear 'normal' bras so I have only been wearing sports bras since April (roughly).

Today I bought myself a binder to see if that'll have any impact on how I feel about myself, but my best friend suggested simply getting tighter sports bras for the moment as a replacement. I wouldn't like to say outright that I am definitely transgender, because I'm honestly not sure if that's at all true, but the more people I see out and proud of being trans (such as at pride on Saturday), the more I feel that I am just as normal as them.

Does that make sense? Probably not.

All I know is that at eighteen-years-old, I hate being female just as much as I did when I was younger.

Oh yes, this started long before the whole period and boob thing that I've had to go through.

Little end note:

It's been a few weeks since I tried to write this and I can't say I've discovered anything more about who I am or what I mean. Every time I try to explain something to someone in my flat, I am patronised and ultimately ignored, so. I have ceased trying to do anything.

Oh yeah, I moved to university... Surprise?

Not really.

I just found this and decided that I should probably post it so that I don't have too many things going on at once in my drafts. I'm sorry I haven't been able to post anything properly about university yet I don't really have too much time to myself where I can properly concentrate and not be worrying about a book I have to read for a seminar or whatever.

Hopefully, as Brendan (one of my tutors) says, I'll get into the swing of it soon.

Also, it's World Mental Health Day, so I sported a yellow jumper to mark the occasion. This day is very important to me because I struggle with mental health issues (mainly anxiety) and find it difficult to get out and do the stuff I know I have to do most days. This is once again something that no one in my university flat seems to understand - I am not just sad or in a bad mood because it's near my period. I have issues that I can't shake. They will not be solved by drinking or involving myself in social situations, as much as I try.

I'm just exhausted.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a great time and I'll post here as soon as I can.

Thank you for reading,

Chlo x

(I got the photo from here: http://gaysifamily.com/2017/07/13/non-binary-proud-exactly/ so credit to the owner!)

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