I am also currently drinking wine, which I don't even like, because I had a rough shift at work and am a fully stable, competent adult; which is exactly what this blog post will show you I'm sure.
What am I?
This is a question I ask myself several times a day, every day of the year. Why? Because I don't have a clue who I am and sometimes the weight of that on my mind becomes too much and it completely changes who I am.
I try not to let it bother me (because who needs labels, right?) but there are still days where I find myself crying for an unexplained reason, or fantasising myself cutting my own breasts off with a knife. This last one has happened more and more frequently over the past few months. I refuse to force myself to wear 'normal' bras so I have only been wearing sports bras since April (roughly).
Today I bought myself a binder to see if that'll have any impact on how I feel about myself, but my best friend suggested simply getting tighter sports bras for the moment as a replacement. I wouldn't like to say outright that I am definitely transgender, because I'm honestly not sure if that's at all true, but the more people I see out and proud of being trans (such as at pride on Saturday), the more I feel that I am just as normal as them.
Does that make sense? Probably not.
All I know is that at eighteen-years-old, I hate being female just as much as I did when I was younger.
Oh yes, this started long before the whole period and boob thing that I've had to go through.
Little end note:
It's been a few weeks since I tried to write this and I can't say I've discovered anything more about who I am or what I mean. Every time I try to explain something to someone in my flat, I am patronised and ultimately ignored, so. I have ceased trying to do anything.
Oh yeah, I moved to university... Surprise?
Not really.
I just found this and decided that I should probably post it so that I don't have too many things going on at once in my drafts. I'm sorry I haven't been able to post anything properly about university yet I don't really have too much time to myself where I can properly concentrate and not be worrying about a book I have to read for a seminar or whatever.
Hopefully, as Brendan (one of my tutors) says, I'll get into the swing of it soon.
Also, it's World Mental Health Day, so I sported a yellow jumper to mark the occasion. This day is very important to me because I struggle with mental health issues (mainly anxiety) and find it difficult to get out and do the stuff I know I have to do most days. This is once again something that no one in my university flat seems to understand - I am not just sad or in a bad mood because it's near my period. I have issues that I can't shake. They will not be solved by drinking or involving myself in social situations, as much as I try.
I'm just exhausted.
Anyway, I hope you're all having a great time and I'll post here as soon as I can.
Thank you for reading,
Chlo x
(I got the photo from here: http://gaysifamily.com/2017/07/13/non-binary-proud-exactly/ so credit to the owner!)
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